guest lineup

photos

r&b joke hour

 dining picks

kgo info

what's new

politics

the press

 food/wine

search

gadgets

radio/tv

bay area

showbiz

sports

Travel

kidstuff

just 4 fun

health

music

etcetera

email ronn

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

--------------

Recently when I went into a large warehouse store, I noticed a blind
man come in with his seeing eye dog.

The blind man walked to the center of the store, put down his cane,
picked up the dog by the tail and started whirling him around in a
circle.

Socked, I immediately went up to the man and asked, "Can I help you."

The blind man said, "No!.... I was just looking around."

----------------

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

She said to me, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately
sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” I asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some
other bitch using my stuff.”

I looked at her and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another bitch?”

--------------------

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and
said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and
oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew
it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about
this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, DUH! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

--------------------

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a handsome man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,
sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is
very lonely,"' she countered. "Do you live around here?'" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like
pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to
her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her
life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

----------------------

A guy is sitting on his porch enjoying the sunset and a cold beer. His
wife joins him and after she sits down he says" I love you". She says
that's nice but is it him or the beer talking. He says," it's me and I
was talking to the beer".

----------------

Tex Cohen lived in - you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round
of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had
just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they
found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy.

But Tex assured them, "It’s true, it’s really true."

When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the barman said
to him, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed20 pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how much does your
baby weigh now?"

Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."

The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he
ill? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth, why has he lost so
much weight?"

Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his
hand, leaned into the barman and proudly replied, "Had him
circumcised."

-----------------

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made
of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, “Well...I can clearly see your nuts.”

--------------------

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours...

A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to
talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she
was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store,
there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help
him. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat
him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a
company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

---------------------

A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one
day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the
piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most
beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During
the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons
leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.

"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that
beautiful song?"

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said,
"Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke
into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to
their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke
into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to
overflowing.

"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you
call that one?"

"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby,
till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy
was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, the piano man rose, excused himself, and shuffled off to use the restroom.

While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the
eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the
barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever
heard. If you want the job, it's yours."

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip
to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned
toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out
for all the world to see?"

"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"

--------------------------

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

-------------------

Hey Ronn,

I'm a longtime listener and fan, and a fan of Brian's too.
A Facebook friend of mine in Minneapolis posted this two-word joke
awhile back, and it's become my favorite:

Pretentious?
Moi?

------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

---------------------------

Getting married in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting
they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in
Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

------------------------------

Q: Why do black men always have red eyes after sex?
A: Mace.

--------------------------------

A man goes into a Barnes and Noble and asks the young female clerk,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't
remember the title."

She nods and says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."

------------------------------

Bin Laden At The Pearly Gates

After Osama Bin Laden died, he was met at the pearly gates by George
Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled:
"How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted:
"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said:
"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled:
"It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of
Independence. "

The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said: "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied:
"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven.
What did you think I said?"

----------------------------------

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

--------------------------------------


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became
angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if
I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and
opened fire. There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off
his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away
in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'There is one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels: you never mess with a guy who can loop his
penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

------------------------

The OUTDOORSMAN was telling his neighbor "I have waded across a raging
river, escaped from a bear in the woods, marched up and down hills,
stood in patches of poison oak, crawled out of quicksand, and climbed
enormous trees".

The neighbor being impressed said, "Wow, you must be quite an adventurer".

"No," replied the outdoorsman, "I'm just a lousy golfer".

--------------------------------

Click here

******

Click here

(starts at about 7:10

*******

Click here

*******

Ron in San Francisco's joke

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,

Trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker

Exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered
momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats.
Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's' names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys
are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious?

They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,
'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they
all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into
the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Paige in San Francisco's joke

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon's office.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two he shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry. Your duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind
legs, put=2 0its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. Then it looked up at the vet with sad eyes
and shook its head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out
of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped onto
the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. It
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and left the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck."

Turning to his computer terminal, the doctor hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still
in shock, took it from him. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me
that my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20. But now with the lab report and the cat
scan, it comes to $150."

Jack's joke

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table
together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal.'

Dan in San Carlos' jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!"

Scott's joke

THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."

Matt in Scotts Valley's joke

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

Celeste in Pinole's joke

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan..

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me And admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:
'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

Burt's joke

Two Minnesota hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Ole and Sven survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Ole asked Sven,

'Any idea where we are?'

Sven replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.

Catherine in El Granada's joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Bob's joke

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What in tarnation is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Bill in San Francisco's joke

Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks his father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ralphy.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f'ing difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'
 

Patrick's joke

Two old men were greeters at Wal-mart. One was complaining about all the
pain old age brings...could not stand without pain, could not sit without
pain, could not walk without pain. He asked his associate how he felt in old
age and the other old goat stated he felt just like a newborn baby.
Somewhat amazed, the first gentleman asked how that could be. The second
man stated that he felt like a newborn because he had no teeth, he had no
hair and he thought he has just wet himself.

Jon's joke

Two Nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over and says to the other..."I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers..."It's the cobblestones."

Mark in San Jose's joke

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "every time I sneeze I get an orgasm!"

"My goodness," replies the doctor. "What are you taking for it?"

The man says, "Pepper."

Carla in Santa Rosa's joke

Boy asks his mom "Why am I black and YOU are white?
She says, "Don't even go there.
The way that f'ing party went you're lucky you don't bark!"

Sherry in Newark's joke

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" says the pirate. "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to
your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really"

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," says the bartender. "You lost an eye just from
birdshit:"

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

Joanne in Fremont's joke

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear", replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding
and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

Ethan's joke

Mr. Owens had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty
years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a
week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He
thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought
a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning
home, his wife said "I've been thinking. There is no reason we
can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy
and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and twelve boxes of
condoms. When he returned his wife said, "You know, since the
children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
world?"

So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter.
The pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Owens, you have been doing business with me for
over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes
you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

Tom and Rhodora's joke

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Sheila's joke

Schwartz, Cohen, and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000.00."

Cohen says, "I will go in for $200,000.00."

Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000.00"

Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and
CEO of the corporation. You, Schwartz, for your $100,000, can be Vice
President and CFO. And, Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our
Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"

Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

Paul's joke

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young
men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey..

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks
up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too."

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be."

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as
he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye,
he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's
centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna
run for Congress."