R&B Joke Hour, February 29, 2008

Dr. Bill Wattenburg's Joke:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in

the  family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with
which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I
may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Sandy in Salinas' Joke:

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sherry in Newark's Joke:

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle in different
areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
 you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, ... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

 Carlos' sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'

 Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars."

 Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?"

 Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads:

"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico!"

Chris in Santa Rosa's Joke:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"  she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Dana in Fremont's Joke:

I recently turned 50 and had to choose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her,
"Do you think I will live to be 75?"

She asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

 "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

 I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

 "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

 I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

 "No, I don't," I said.

 "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

 "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

 She looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Larry's Joke:

A Marine fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's so
special about it?"

The Marine pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. "

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"

The Marine pilot grins a little, taps his watch and says, "damn
thing's an hour fast."

Dr. Bill Wattenburg's Joke:


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded
by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's
better, but it 's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine….

(long pause and a smile) …..


whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

(The teacher fainted......)
 

Tim's Joke:


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
 and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Bill in San Francisco's Joke


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh ! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.

The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out ...

"I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Jean in Fremont's Joke:


Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.  All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by
one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and
was so ashamed, because Grandma didn't know her occupation.  Grandma
stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.  Lulu, saving
face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those
waiting.  Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end
of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said,  "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said, "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted!

Max in Martinez' Joke


Three Texas surgeons are playing a round of golf, and they're telling
stories about their most difficult surgeries, trying to one-up each
other.

The first surgeon says, "I had a woman who received third degree burns
in a chemical accident.  All I had to work with was some skin from her
buttocks, and she not only recovered fully, now she's a supermodel."

The second surgeon says, "That's nothing.  I worked on a farm boy who
lost both his hands in a combine accident.  All I had to work with
were chopped up bits of skin and bones, but I was able to put them
back together, reattach them and now he's grown up to be a concert
pianist."

The third surgeon says, "I've got you all beat.  I worked on a cowboy
who accidentally rode his horse off a cliff.  All I had to work with
was the horse's ass and the cowboy hat, and now he's President of the
United States."

Mike in Petaluma's Joke:


Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends
two nights each week bowling and plays golf
every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this
club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if
he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the
golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the
first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws
her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all
over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside
her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else, but
his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave,
you picked up a real bitch this time !"

Rich's Joke:


A man wakes up in the hospital.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this
gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and
we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $45,000 in
insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now
to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did -
better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $5000 an
inch."

The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she
might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

John in Hawaii's Joke:


Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm
nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me
sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with
all
the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck!
YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO,
it's
out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could
stretch
out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and
play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Come on, Doc! He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not
'Kvetch'"!

Alfred's Joke:


A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.  He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is very nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the
aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is
anxious to begin a conversation with her.  He asks, "Where are you
flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement!  Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next  to
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She goes on to explain:

"Well, one popular myth is that African American men
are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who
owns this trait.
Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I
don't even know you!  What is your name?"

The man extends his hand with replies,
" Tonto Goldstein."

Saiful in Santa Rosa's Joke:

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had
checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death
certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And
did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the
doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death
certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The
doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar
on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

Ethan's Joke:

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked
whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a
serious problem:

30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "

Dorothy's Joke:


Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my
girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and
take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my
girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch ??....Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window...

Took my teeth with her!!"

Tony's Joke:


TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW, BUT AREN'T!

-----------------------------------------------

. Have you looked through her briefs?

. He is one hard judge!

. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

. Is it a penal offense?

. Better leave the handcuffs on.

. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

. Can you get him to drop his suit?

. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

. Think you can get me off?

R&B Joke Hour, October 19, 2007

Brian Copeland's joke:

An elderly couple was driving cross-country from Florida to attend their granddaughter's wedding. Both were hard of hearing, but she was growing deaf as a post.

They pulled into a service station, and the attendant asked the man if he could help them. The old man replied, "Fill her up!". His wife said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man said, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF HE COULD HELP US. I TOLD HIM TO FILL IT UP!"

"Oooh...", she replied.

When the attendant had filled up the tank, he returned to the driver's side and said, "Will that be cash or charge?"

The old man passed him his charge card, and the old lady said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man replied, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS CASH OR CHARGE, AND I TOLD HIM TO CHARGE IT!"

"Ohhh..", she said.

The attendant returned with the card, and while the man was signing, he  said, "I noticed from your license plates and your charge card  that  y'all are from Florida. I was in Florida once, and I can tell you that all I can remember about that trip was that I got the worse piece of ass down there that I've ever had."

The old man nodded, and took his card back. The old woman said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man said, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
 

 Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banner?" Bush asks. Ahmadinejad replies, "United States of Iran."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Ahmadinejad says.

Bush replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."

Brian Copeland's joke:

 Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary says, "I believe you're in my chair."

Barbara in San Jose's joke:

Sallie in Los Gatos' joke:

Mike in Petaluma's joke:

Richard's joke:

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Nancy's joke:

R&B Joke Hour, March 9, 2007

Submitted by Peter, San Francisco

Bush Light Bulb Joke

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are
improving every day.

Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the
liberal media.

That light bulb has served honorably, and
anything you say undermines the lighting effect.

Why do you hate freedom?

====

Submitted by: Wendy in Aptos

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and Said "All I want out
of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says."

The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."

====

Submitted by Peg in foster city:

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive

woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the
sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After
reading the note,
the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note,
handed
it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.


It read:


"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.


There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.


But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches
off. Just send the bottle back."

===

Submitted by Laura (no city)


All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete.  A corrected copy:


He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15  sons:

Sooflay, a restaurateur, Guday, who lives in Australia, Huray, a sports
fanatic, Sashay, who is gay, Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa,
Sayhay, a baseball player, Ojay, a stalker and murderer, Gulay, a
singer  and entertainer, Ebay, an internet entrepreneur, Biliray, a
country  music star, Ecksray, a radiologist, Puray, a manufacturer of
kitchen  blenders, Raygay, who lives in Jamaica, and Tupay, who is bald,

and by  seven daughters, Lattay, a coffee shop owner, Bufay, a big
eater,  Dushay, owner of a feminine care products company, Phayray, an
actress,  Sapheway, a grocery store owner, Ollay, who lives in Mexico,
and Gudlay,  a prostitute.

There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been
disowned by the family.

====

Submitted by Tom (no city)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"


====

Submitted by Rob (no city)

 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

     CHEESEBURGER:  $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH :  $2.50

        HANDJOB:  $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving
drinks to an eager looking group of men.


“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”


“I was just wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the
hand jobs?”


“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”


The man replies, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

====

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma


My wife and I were sharing a bottle of wine when
I said, "I bet you can't tell me something
which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

My wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your penis is a little bigger than your brother's".

===

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."  So he tied her up and went golfing.

===
Submitted by Bob in San Mateo

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

"We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

===

Submitted by Lois in Millbrae

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about
the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains quiet.
 After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

 The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."

 The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She
said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man."


====

Submitted by Phyllis in San Jose

A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa and goes to live
with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to
read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit
adultery nor fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village people are shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman
gave birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever
set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has
been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to
thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is
one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says
"Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say
anything about the white child"!

===

Submitted by Bob in Pleasanton

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00,
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to
keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


====
 Submitted by Roseanne (no city)

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody
asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died
before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat
on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

====

Submitted by Bill in Walnut Creek


Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm
spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they
happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a
woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left
his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same
hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a
few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again
after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But
this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked
woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

====

Submitted by Barbara in Oakland

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American are heading off to war when the
Frenchman bragged that he made love to his wife 3 times last night to
say goodbye.

“Yeah, well I made love to my wife 6 times last night to say goodbye to
her,” the Italian boasted.

“What about you, Mr. American?” asked the Frenchman.

“I only made love to my wife once last night.”

“Is that all? What did she say this morning ?”

“Don’t stop!”

====

Submitted by Paul in San Lorenzo

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the
afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to
hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this
problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets
on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill
asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of
hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one
thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is
that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes
his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

====

Stanley in San Bruno

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for
drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

===

Submitted by Jim in Hayward

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I
don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and
that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside
and showed her a passage which read, . . .

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

===

Submitted by Bob in Oakland

Hidden Talents

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking
about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it,"
complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no
taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies
his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is
sit there and lick his eyebrows."

===

Submitted by San Mateo

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

====

Submitted by John in Fremont

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."

----

Submitted by Rick in Hayward

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000
and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a
dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker
the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up
your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let
him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the
old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"


=====

Barbara in Berkeley

Johnnie Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted
to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.
Cochran what he was doing on his property.

"Retrieving a duck that I just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the
farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.

"No," replied the farmer. "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnnie Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply.
"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free
man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your
farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless
on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3
kicks law'."

"Never heard of it," said Johnnie.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to
your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and
figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnnie violently in the groin. As he was doubling
over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he
kicked him hard in the ribs. Several moments later, Johnnie slowly made
it back to his feet.

"All right, now it's my turn", said Johnnie.

"Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
 

R&B Joke Hour, October 27, 2006

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the
eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.  That's
why she cuts the grass."

===

Submitted by Moonbabe

GEORGE AND THE PARROT

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday.  She told Dick
Cheney, "The bird is so smart!  George has already taught him to
pronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive", Cheney said, "but you realize that he
just says the words.  He doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's OK", Laura replied.  "Neither does the parrot".

===

Submitted by Sherry in Newark

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns.  Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
chair.  While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.  While he's in
there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!  He has
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain ... do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous.  If he gets
angry, he could kill us both.  Be strong honey, I love you!"

His wife responds:  "He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my
ear.  He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any
Vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey, I love
you too!"

===

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

A Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man
would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to
do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my
heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:

 From Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

===

Submitted by Lynn

  1.  An invisible man married an invisible women - their children were
nothing to  look at.

 2. Two antennas got married. Their marriage  ceremony wasn't good, but their  reception was excellent.

=====

Submitted by Debbi in Benicia

What do you call a baby born in a whore house?

A brothel sprout!!

====

Submitted by Chuck in San Jose

President Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the
corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in
the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Republicans," the
child says. "Oh, that's cute," Bush says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Bush  is running with his buddy Senator Bill Frist
and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Bush says to Bill,
"You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Bush says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little
kittens.
Hey, kid, tell my friend the Senator what kind of kittens they are." The boy
replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were
Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

====

Submitted by Chuck in San Jose

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,


"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"


"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."


"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.


"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,


"What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"


"I switched cocks," he replied.


She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

===

Submitted by Dan

Blood Lines

 On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

 "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at
me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

 The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
===

Submitted by Dan

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry
all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

===
 

Submitted by Marilyn

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

===

Submitted by Jay

Texas Chivalry


       At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was
stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

            They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central
London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white
horses.

            As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their
side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

            This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

            Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse
let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever
heard and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

            Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries
did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous
manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained,

            "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you
understand that  there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

            George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would
have assumed it was one of the horses."

====

Submitted by Jay

            A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare
species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult
to handle.

            Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

          Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of
Eddie, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

         Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition.

          Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

          Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully.

          The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their
offer, but onlyunder the following 3 conditions.

         "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

          The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

          "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

         The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

          And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500.00."

===


 

===

Submitted by  John

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a cantelope?  Melancholy

===
Submitted by Tom


Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You
were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

===

Submitted by Tom


Billy Bob and Luther Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got  pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

===

Submitted by Al

Bono, the lead signer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the
audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,
pierces the silence...

"Well, fucking stop it then!" 
===

Submitted by I.M.

So, this man walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "clearly, I can see you're
nuts.

===

Submitted by Tony in Sunnyvale

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did
this to you?

I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

R&B Joke Hour, April 7, 2006

Submitted by Donna

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do,"  the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
 
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

---

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilken, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilken shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilken said, "Give me! the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilken. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had  twenty, five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilken demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "

---

Submitted by Ben

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf,  however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,  he hears his little friend shouting out cries of  "Here I come again! One,  two, three, uh," all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed...."

---

Submitted by Mike in Vallejo

A guy sits down at the bar and orders 6 vodka shots.  "Rough day?" asks the bartender.  "Just found out my younger brother's gay," said the man.  "Well.... hang in there," said the bartender. 

The next day the same guy sits down at the bar and, again, orders 6 vodka shots. "Another rough day?" asks the bartender.  "I just found out my older
brother's gay, too, " said the man.  "Wow, that's a lot to deal with. Tell you what, this is on me," said the bartender. 

The very next day the same guy sits down at the bar and, once again, orders 6 vodka shots.  "Jesus, buddy," said the bartender.  "Doesn't anyone in your
family like women?"  The man looked up from his drink and said, "Yeah, my wife"!

---

Submitted by Sharon in Morgan Hill

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig  under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs.  I got one for Vice President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

---

Submitted by Ted in Pittsburg

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small black bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.  Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said,

 "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."

Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.  Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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